What if anything am I really hiding from? Is it my inevitable death? Do I use my music as a form of avoidance? I live alone with no one to answer to in any way except myself. It seems strange to me how my entire life has come to this juncture, has it all just been make believe? My memory is intact, so that my mind remembers so much of what happened in my life, but is it all just a dream that I will eventually wake up from?
It’s Memorial Day and I feel very strange indeed. It occurs to me sometime that I’m 78 years old, there is no real future to look forward to. My life in music has all but disappeared, yet somehow I keep music as the center of my existence. I tell myself that it’s all to keep my mind active and in good shape, like I’m supposed to because it’s the wise thing to do at this age. All of us here at the Lodge are all facing death, even if we don’t consciously think of it in that way. I do sometimes, and I wonder if other folks also do. One of the major things I hate about my present situation is having to shit. I’m so much more aware of it now. My body in every way reminds me daily of my eventual demise. At least when I was younger I might be conscious of shitting but just as a fleeting thought. Now it’s front in center every time nature calls, because I must be sure I’m conscious of what I’m doing or I might fall. It seems I’m always thinking in my mind. So is my music a source of keeping my thoughts at bay? Why do movies I watch, hold my attention so, I literally get lost in them. Possibly because my mind is occupied on what’s going on in front of it, a sort of relief from thinking of this self I seem to be. And what of my dream life? I live in another world which is just as real to me as the world I’m in when not dreaming. I’m not aware it’s been a dream until I wake. Yeah! This Memorial Day is strange alright. Memorial Day! Thinking of those who have died in the hundreds of ways us humans are subjected to on this planet. Is their something spiritual or holy about this, or is it just another stupid concept humans have come up with. Is life truly holy, or is it just another facet, of what being alive is like in the cosmos. Sometimes I think it is holy, and other times like today, it’s all just another dream I just haven’t awoken from.